


Seeking While in Hide

by kira9018



Category: Epik High, Super Junior
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, EXO Ensemble - Freeform, Epic Friendship, Idol World, M/M, f(x) Ensemble - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 08:37:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5578777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kira9018/pseuds/kira9018
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything about Jongwoon was on the surface. Like many layers of onion, Jongwoon kept everything personal to himself - the unfamiliar feelings and uncomfortable thoughts. </p>
<p>He discovered through a tragedy that he was just a person of his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Seeking While in Hide

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [23emotions](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/23emotions) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Mal de Coucou
> 
> n. a phenomenon in which you have an active social life but very few close friends—people who you can trust, who you can be yourself with, who can help flush out the weird psychological toxins that tend to accumulate over time—which is a form of acute social malnutrition in which even if you devour an entire buffet of chitchat, you’ll still feel pangs of hunger.

 

     Throng of people crowded closely into the spacious hall, lingering about for small talks or merely greeting each other before moving on. Their voices were great mixing of white noises as Jongwoon slipped himself through the entrance, eyes flitting everywhere, in hope of finding someone familiar amidst the sea of bodies.

     As he scanned the crowd, Jongwoon’s eyes caught Heechul, his ex-roommate of two years during the foundation days talking and laughing with several girls. He hadn’t seen those girls around his Art & Theater Faculty building though he was quite sure they were all his age. In fact, mulled Jongwoon, he didn’t think he knew about the many students in his faculty despite they might be in the same batch together with him.

     At the far end near the buffet table was Donghae – Jongwoon’s current roommate of three years and counting – with his childhood friend of the same hometown, Yunho and several other guys whom he had seen them quite active in sports centre, swimming, running and everything else that supposed to make them sweat. Jongwoon wasn’t really athletic so he only acquainted with those muscle builders due to Donghae drag him to the centre, coaxing him with his usual kicked puppy look.

     Jongwoon quickly turned his body slightly, eyes searching for distraction before Donghae or the other guys noticed his presence, feeling desperate to run away of hearing uninterested news about soccer, basketball or baseball. Donghae and he were totally opposite like oil and water, which never could have mixed, but they could get along just fine. He once said to Donghae that it was a miracle he hadn’t had a thought of drowning his roommate in a pool or locking the other out of the dorm whenever their personality clashed.

     Jongwoon had hoped to meet certain friend of his but he didn’t think he will when he could barely moved past all students to get to the centre of the hall, where it was insanely crammed because it was strategically place for photography session. As each stage was back facing each other, it held six different themes and settings and everyone could actually have the chance to take a photo in any way they wanted without queuing far too long.

     Baekhyun, a junior of Jongwoon’s, snaked his hand around Jongwoon’s waist, surprising the hell out of Jongwoon. The older of the two nearly collapsed from sudden heart attack, scolding the younger for daring to prank him and laughing suit with Baekhyun a bit later.

     “Are you alone?” Jongwoon asked.

     Baekhyun shook his head. “Jongdae and Chanyeol were here just now. They’re at the backstage, preparing for the performance.”

     “You aren’t included?”

     “I want to be the spectator,” said Baekhyun, offering a glass of beer to Jongwoon, which Jongwoon politely declined. Baekhyun shrugged before sipping the drink. “Do you have a number?”

     “I need to rest my voice,” said Jongwoon. His eyes lazily skimmed around, noticing bits and pieces of exciting crowds in the hall. “Have you eaten?”

     “I am.” Baekhyun chuckled, “We actually had come here an hour earlier for the stage prop and all. You should try the cupcakes.”

     “Is it sweet?”

     “It’s satisfying, just the right amount of sugar in it.”

     “I’ll try,” said Jongwoon, waving his hand slightly when he saw Song Qian somewhere behind Baekhyun, talking with her group of friends. “I’m gonna head there, okay.”

     “Sure,” Jongwoon heard Baekhyun said.

     Jongwoon had known both Chanyeol and Jongdae through Baekhyun. They both had changed their programs in their second years of laws and mathematics respectively and Jongwoon had admired them since then. They were the epitome of bravery because he didn’t think he had courage to change into another program, though of course he won’t ever do that because music was all he ever wanted to be doing.

     Meanwhile, Song Qian was a girl he had encountered from the charity project he had participated back in his foundation studies. She and several other girls provided food for all the participants and she was one damn good at it, too. Born in Qingdao, China, Song Qian was fluent in Korean due to the fact she had been staying in Seoul for over ten years.

     “Why are you always the lonely soul?” Song Qian teasingly asked Jongwoon as the guy neared her small group of friends.

     “I never,” said Jongwoon, fiddling with his smart phone in his grip slightly. He should never have to defend himself with such remark because he had been hearing it for all his life, but it was irritatingly annoying when those comments never failed grating on his nerves. “Jungsoo was with me before and he had job to do.”

     Zhoumi, a friend of Song Qian and also another acquaintance from the charity project, beamed at Jongwoon, which had he returned the gesture genuinely, feeling completely at ease suddenly. He loved Zhoumi and talking with the taller male was always a plus because Zhoumi was also a friend of Ryeowook, who might or might not attend the night event unless he felt incredibly bored of holing himself up in his dorm.

     Sometimes, Jongwoon felt he was lucky to have such great friends that weren’t his fellow artists or musicians.

     By the time the performance had ended, Jay, Jongwoon’s leader batch gathered his fellow friends to have pictures as token of remembrance. They stood on a stage that was decorated in the shade of blue and gold. It was chaos for a whole fit of five minutes because everyone was talking a mile a minute and no one ever listening to any of it, until Miryo stepped in. She was always authoritative when Jay couldn’t because Jay was more on soft-spoken side and lenient.

     Jongwoon’s class of musicians posed nearly ten sets of different postures and gestures – all too bizarre and freaky because they were all bunch of dorks. Jongwoon was glad that it brought a laughter to everyone who watching them trying to make a fool of themselves. At the last moment though, Jongwoon caught the sight of Ryeowook in a distance. Ryeowook was engaged in a conversation with Joonmyun, a junior of Ryeowook, and two other familiar faces, who he couldn’t find names to match with their faces.

     Once the final pictorial was created, Jongwoon made his way quietly towards Ryeowook. He was now stood in front of the many pictures hanging on threads that were arranged in rows, just right behind Ryeowook. Looking at various scenes of picture, Jongwoon came across with a picture of his class having a winter trip last year and they had captured the moment in front of the cabin right before they went to sleep that night.

     Jongwoon found picture of Donghae and his group of dancers posing with a big trophy at the centre, a reward after a bloody dancing competition. Donghae had actually spent his money on Jongwoon for dinner the next day as a celebration, which Jongwoon retorted of he was the one that supposed to do the favor for unable to watch his roommate compete. Donghae actually heedlessly ignored Jongwoon.

     “Let’s take a picture with your roommates,” said Ryeowook, appearing suddenly at Jongwoon’s side.

     “Are you sure?” Jongwoon glanced briefly at the medicine student beside him, tilting his body slightly to see Ryeowook better in his peripheral vision.

     “They’re waiting for you, actually.” Ryeowook said.

     Jongwoon turned around to see Heechul and Donghae were standing next to each other, close to the stage that was setting up with Arabian Nights theme. Donghae waved at him hurriedly as he took a step into the stage, with Heechul followed from behind him.

     “Get your ass here, already.” Heechul shouted, loud enough to embarrass the poor Jongwoon though no one in the hall paid any attention to Heechul or him.

     Ryeowook actually giggled softly beside Jongwoon, running lightly and leaving Jongwoon behind to stand beside Heechul, who embraced the petite frame with a hug. Jongwoon enjoyed the night as the event neared its closing ceremony, mingling around with Ryeowook and talking about many idle and typical things, but they were definitely interesting per se. Both parted their ways as soon as the event had officially ended.

 

     Due to their different schedule, lifestyle and dormitory building, Jongwoon couldn’t meet Ryeowook as often as he could. Especially now Ryeowook needed to be in the hospital to fulfill his requirement for his practical. His final year in the university was also a challenge of him to actually spend times with his roommate.

     The funny thing was, Jongwoon had encountered his schoolmate from his high school and they had grown close in a matter of weeks. Jongwoon was kind of surprised to see they had progressing that far and well. Sungmin, an exchange student from Canada, came along with Henry, who was a violinist while Sungmin was a painter.

     One night where Sungmin worked his project with Jongwoon in the latter room, Jongwoon was surprised to know Henry was his stepbrother of the same father. It was more like Jongwoon had expected them to talk about anything regarding music or paintings or arts in general but none of the private and personal matters.

     “I came straight for Canada after finished high school so I could live with my father,” started Sungmin, “I demand to know why he think he can leave me and my mother alone in here while he’s happy building another family. I hate him of thinking that I am easy to be fool.”

     Jongwoon stunned for a moment, speechless. His mind went blank, white as the clean paper sheet, and he felt his words were all sands, slipping back through his throat so easy. Jongwoon tried so hard to think of anything – like he wasn’t about to throw sympathy for Sungmin nor he was heartless for having nothing to comment – and he ended up conjuring a lame question.

     “Does Henry have any other sibling?” Well at least there was something to work on, Jongwoon vaguely thought.

     Sungmin lifted his head slightly, looking at Jongwoon who was seating up on a chair behind the desk. A brush that rested in Sungmin’s hand was a perfect grace in between his forefinger and the middle digit. Sungmin swirled the brush and played idly as he replied. “He has two, one brother and one sister. They’re both older than me. Irony, huh?”

     “Did you know the full story?”

     “Not much,” said Sungmin. “Mostly, I’ve already figure it out myself. But can you believe, I cried rivers when my father and his wife talked to me nicely and explained everything right from the beginning. I was supposed to be mad at him.”

     “Because he let your mother suffered on behalf of him?”

     Sungmin put down his brush as he opted to lie down on Jongwoon’s neat and tidy bed sheet. “Honestly, but it’s more on how he dared to gave money for my education without him being there physically. I guess it hurts. All my life I had believed my father doesn’t exist or even dead.”

     “Did your mother live with you together in Canada?”

     “No, she refused. She was so stubborn, and I don’t know what to do.” Sungmin turned his body so he can lie on his stomach and being able to look at Jongwoon. “She died last year. My gramps said she hadn’t suffered from anything.”

     Jongwoon was downright flabbergasted. He could barely hear himself whispered, “I’m sorry.”

     “No, that’s fine. It’s just, sometimes I think she was finally happy and free from all the shackles that had tied her down. She was a great mother, really.” Sungmin looked at Jongwoon, who was still in trance. He averted his eyes, so to not start shedding tears, to the many Jongwoon’s things on the key chain holder on the wall. “Jongwoon, the one next to the turtle keychain, what is it?”

     Jongwoon recovered rather quickly as he grabbed the object and flung it lightly to Sungmin. “It was some kind of keycard to open your front door. It’s fake by the way.”

     “Someone’s giving it to you?”

     “My friend, we kind of wanted that for the both of us to have it.”

     “That’s sweet,” cooed Sungmin, smiling slightly. “Does she pretty?”

     Jongwoon laughed. “He’s pretty, a doctor-to-be.”

     “Seriously?”

     “What? He is pretty, people sometimes mistaken him as a girl. Don’t tell him I said that though.”

     “Jongwoon,” Sungmin shrieked, laughing suit. “I don’t even know him.”

 

     The second month of Jongwoon not being able to see Ryeowook for he had a trip to studio recording, he texted the medicine student if he wanted any autograph from said recording label, and that when Ryeowook replied he wished for D.O’s, Jongwoon simply returned a rather cute message.

     ' _I'll_ _try ;)'_ Jongwoon never once did that to Ryeowook, not in a million years.

     Ryeowook actually texted him back. _'Have fun, and take care.'_

     Jongwoon hadn’t checked his phone after that, burying it deep inside his jeans pocket, taking it out only for the pictures. He managed to get both D.O’s and Kyuhyun’s autographs and a picture with Luna. His adrenaline level was too high even after he arrived at his dorm at midnight, Jongwoon had a hard time to sleep, too sober to shut down his system completely despite he was dead tired.

     Jongwoon would have thought maybe dreams and reality were kind of same. They would affect you whenever you realized things weren’t supposed to turn the way it was. If his dreams telling him Ryeowook might be hospitalized because of an accident, he would cry as he woken up and hoping Ryeowook was safe and sound all along. And if Ryeowook really had an accident because a drunk driver had accidentally swerved past his lane and crashed into Ryeowook’s car, he silently wept, asking for anyone to just let his friend live, please.

     Having no bearing of time and place, Jongwoon shooed everyone out of his room, including Donghae. That morning he supposed to tell Ryeowook he got his sweet and talented D.O’s autograph and bragging about the picture of him and Luna. Jongwoon’s life turned upside down instead. Everything was all grey and black, dull and somber. He wanted to wail so hard while praying, so that it would ease Ryeowook’s fight and his friend would be able to live once again, but his tears were nowhere to be found.

     Jongwoon never trusted any of his roommates in his tough time. He never wanted to let himself trusted Donghae or Heechul to put him back to pieces if he ever to break down. Surprisingly, Zhoumi and Sungmin able to break down his defense and witness how broken he had felt when he knew Ryeowook was waiting for him to visit him at the hospital but his legs were failing on him each time he tried to move past his dorm.

     Sungmin enveloped him in a warm hug, quietly comforting him, which had reminded Jongwoon of Ryeowook who randomly gave him anything, wrote him something or left some other things, wordlessly, in Jongwoon’s room for him to see. That had forced Jongwoon’s dam to be brought down upon, and he collapsed under his weight, tears streaming down like it were flowing from a high fountain.

     Jongwoon barely remembered how Donghae and Heechul came to check on him, sooner than he had expected, before tidbits of their voices outside submerging in the fits of his crying yet again. Heechul came forward through the door and gently lifted Jongwoon to stand on his feet, bringing him up to the bathroom.

     “Have faith. Ryeowook is not gonna die, Jongwoon.” Heechul started, closing the bathroom’s door behind him.

_How would you be so convinced?_

     Jongwoon mentally cursed Heechul in his mind for asking him to believe on something he didn’t know if he would ever survive the harsh ordeal. He was hoping he would but he knew it was too much of him to be asking for.

     “I don’t want to lose him.”

     “I know.”

     “I love him too much to lose him. I-“ Jongwoon dared to lift his wet eyes to stare up at Heechul and more tears  pouring down.

     Heechul’s eyes were red from holding out all the pain and anguish. “You love him, I know. I’m sure he knows that, too.”

      

     Ryeowook was stabilized but he didn’t wake up for a long time. And Jongwoon hadn’t cried since then. He continued his life as the university student in his usual pace, though many of his friends and acquaintances alike told him that he looked much composed compared to before. Miryo had actually told him to eat more because he was too skinny to be a rock ballad prince.

     Jongwoon merely laughed when Song Qian, out of nowhere, requested him of singing for a charity dinner, an event for the orphans. He composed a song and mailed it to her before asking a band from his class to play along with him for the dinner. She actually approved of him singing with live band after she was astonished with his heartfelt singing vocal.

     “You’re improving,” shrieked Song Qian, patting Jongwoon by his shoulder, praising him.

     “Thanks,” said Jongwoon, smiling softly.

     “Have you been all right?”

     “Sure, of course. I’ll get better.”

     “My classmates are going to visit Ryeowook tomorrow. Wanna come along?”

     “That’s fine,” said Jongwoon. “I’d best get going. Great works, Qian. Thanks everyone for me.”

               

;;;xxx;;;

               

     D-1

     “The first time I ever come to see you in here, I didn’t expect to see you so quiet, honestly. You’re always talkative when I’m around. Sorry for not able to come much sooner or earlier. It would be weird I guess, if you are to see me cry over you when you’re still breathing.

     I hope you really have enough rest, good sleep whenever you are. You look skinny though; did no one give you any food? Yeah, I kind of losing weight, too. I’m surprised when everyone keeps saying that to me because I think I look fine. I’m still me.”

 

     D-7

     “So, I’ve bought your precious D.O’s autograph and you can keep it. I’ll hold onto Kyuhyun’s for my inspiration and that Luna’s picture with me, you can keep it, too. You like Luna, don’t you? Well, you never said that but I think you like her. Your voice has this different tingling whenever you talk about her. Surprise, huh?

     I’m not sure for how long you want me to do this nor I’m certain if I can keep on doing this, but best of luck to both of us.”

               

     D-20

     “Do you know that I have met with my ex-high schoolmate? He’s here with me. I mean, not here in your hospital room. Sungmin was on a program and he had to stay for over four month with our university before returning back to Canada and then graduating.

     Do you know how you are a kind of rare and precious person I’ve ever met? Do you know that, Ryeowook?”

 

     D-25

     “I wish I could actually spend night with you in here. You have a couch, so why they won’t let me use it, I wonder.

     Remember Sungmin, the exchange student? The first time I saw him, I could swear that I heard my heart thumped in excitement like suddenly I felt like I had a crush on him?  No, don’t laugh. Fine, you’re allowed to laugh. No,-don’t laugh so loud. It’s embarrassing.

     I thought it was a crush, I mean it really was a crush, nothing more. Then one day when he noticed about things you have left inside of my room, I know I don’t like him that way. Not in the romantic way. Now, I think about it, that’s a little ridiculous, me and him together.”

 

     D-37

     “Someone asked me why I tend to not say anything about me and my life, funny doesn’t it?

     You know I’d never told you anything, I mean not like this. I prefer to keep quiet and rather listen to everything you’ve got to say. But since you’re refusing to talk, I have to take over your place. I never knew it was this hard. I’ve ran out of things to say, you know.”

 

     D-55

     “Another two months to go before Sungmin and Henry would fly back to their hometown. Oh, I’m forgotten to introduce Henry – he’s Sungmin’s stepbrother. Yeah, I know. I’m surprised, too. It’s a long story and I’m not sure if I were able to tell the whole lot but since you’re in here and you’re not going anywhere and telling it to any souls, I guess it is fine.

     You’re getting the shorter version of it, and because it’s not mine to tell actually. Sungmin had lived with his father’s second family. Though technically, Sungmin’s mother is the second wife which also means Sungmin is in the second family while Henry is in the first one. Sungmin hated it at first despite he made the decision in the first place but then his mother died last year. It had sort of bummed him out, I think, and he hadn’t had anywhere else to go. He still has his grandparents still. Probably he feels like he is a burden to them, so he stayed in Canada. He looks happy though with Henry.”

               

     D-119

     “So, I skipped many days without visiting you. I don’t know what to say anymore to you and I busied myself so I wouldn’t think about you every so often.

     Donghae, Heechul and I sent Sungmin and Henry to the airport today. And I’m feeling blue because farewell never gets easy as you grow older. So…”

 

     D-236

     “Surprise! I’m extending my study for one semester. You should know why. I’m afraid you’re not going to let me see you again if I decide to not keep on visiting and talking with you while you’re sleeping for a long time. Seriously, I’ll get wrinkles faster than you’re supposed to be.”

               

     D-240

     “I’ve told you about a girl, who invited me to come to her birthday party when I was just eighteen, don’t I? Well, she got married today. Funny, how I narrated my story with her to you. I’m glad nevertheless; because you’re listening to me with whatever enthusiasm you had that time. You still continued listening to me years after that whenever I felt like I wanted to talk about her.

     Have you ever wondered that I’ve never told anyone of that story of mine except you? Well, you’re the second person actually because Heechul got to be the first one. You should feel honored, okay?”

 

     D-278

     “I’ve tried to find someone like you. Someone who I can come to anytime I want and that they won’t let me down despite they are so incredibly busy unless when they are really busy. Like that one time when you’re in a hospital and you don’t have time for me, but in the end you would always make it up to me. I’ve tried to find that someone, but there were no one to be found.

     Would you stick with me till the end, Ryeowook?”

               

     D-300

     “I’m not counting, but I know it’s going to be your first anniversary on this bed, in this hospital, with those medical staffs, soon.

     When are you going to wake up? I’ve seen you sleep enough to last for a lifetime. Stop being so lazy, wake up buddy.”

 

     D-355

     “Guess what, I’m gonna throw a party in your room because your doctor said I can keep you company in here. We’re gonna party so hard, baby.

     Sorry, I lied. You know, I hate parties. I hate noises and having small talks, chatting endlessly till morning, ughh, I totally hate that. So my version of party is I’m composing lyrics with my laptop, and we’ll gonna see how long I can last this.

     Happy first anniversary, by the way.”

               

     D-400

     “Your nurse said that you might wake up soon. I’m glad, really.

     I won’t be graduating, Ryeowook. No, wait, let me rephrase my word. I will be graduating but I’m leaving you now. Someone has scouted me and I’ll be signing the contract tomorrow. I’m not gonna see you again, Ryeowook.

     I’ll always believe in you, so you should do the same.”

               

;;;xxx;;;

               

     Jongwoon made a debut under the name of Yesung after six months of rigorous and strict training. He was surprisingly still in his skin despite how wrecking nervous he was when he stepped onto the stage, opening his mouth to hum along with the first note of his debut song.

  _It was my fault_

_I know this but I have no choice but to say…_

_I empty myself more and more but my greed remains_

_This is my last request_

_Please know that you are still my last love_

_Yes, I want to stay by your side_

_My love still remains_

               

     It was not a surprise to see Ryeowook backstage, inside his room specifically, though Jongwoon heard himself saying nothing as he stood still in front of the door. He didn’t think he shed tears of joy either but he remembered he stood frozen like thirty minutes before realizing the pins and needles prickled his both legs.

     Everyone loved dreams and Jongwoon loved dreams, too, loved to be lost in that fantastical reality. He had realized somehow dreams were better off for him. Reality had him tightened up to a wall and he couldn’t let loose the chains himself. He hadn’t dislike reality but he just loved dreams more as of lately.

     But Jongwoon knew this wasn’t a dream because Ryeowook’s face in his dreams hadn’t gotten so sunken. “What are you doing here?” Jongwoon started, unable to see past other staffs or his manager if they ever present in the room. His eyes were too fixated on Ryeowook and he felt like his other senses were all shutting down.

     “That’s a nice way to greet me,” said Ryeowook, pulling up his mouth slightly.

     “I’m not greeting anyone,” said Jongwoon.

      _What are you doing here, in this room, at this music program?_

     “How did you find this building?” Jongwoon asked.

     Ryeowook stared up at Jongwoon, smiling softly still. Meanwhile, a huge lump formed and stuck inside Jongwoon’s throat. His lowers lids were beginning to gather tears he hadn’t once shed upon for almost a year.

     “I’ll find my way home,” Jongwoon managed to croak out; hoping whoever concerning him caught his whispered words.

     Jongwoon stormed out rather hastily, unable to hold himself out to wait for the program to end because he had doubt he would actually died right then and there if he was to wait till the end.

     No one knew how terribly desperate Jongwoon was to get away from keep visiting Ryeowook in his hospital room back then. He wanted to rewind the moment where he decided to step his feet inside the hospital building, pacing to Ryeowook’s room in level 4 through million halls and just ran away before he could actually open the door to Ryeowook’s room, watching his friend on the bed, sleeping so peacefully.

     Jongwoon wanted to resist so badly the temptation that kept on pulling him to come and see Ryeowook despite the other male won’t be able to say anything in return or remember him if he ever did come. That he was definitely in glee when he heard the news about an agency wanted to train him if he came to their audition, which he prepared it whole-heatedly because he wanted to break the collar chain that had suffocated him. Now that he was finally debuted, he totally felt free of not sharing responsibility to know about Ryeowook’s progression.

     Jongwoon stopped in his track, noticing he was in a pavement. His shoulders shook with emotion and his jaws tense like someone had tightened the muscle there. He turned himself around, to see the man who had slept through a year, pale and frail.

      _What do you want from me?_

     Jongwoon swallowed the bitterness dripping out of him just in time, staring ahead at Ryeowook, who amazingly still cool with Jongwoon’s murderous gaze. “Stop following me,” grunted Jongwoon in his low voice.

 

     Heechul the hairdresser, as well known as fashion designer, was Jongwoon’s personal hairdresser. By default, Heechul was bound to know about what happened to Jongwoon yesterday and the hairdresser was living his life by making Jongwoon miserable to the very deep core of his bone.

     “Was Ryeowook still pretty like always?”

     “He looked like a sick puppy on a dirty street,” said Jongwoon.

     “That’s terrible.” Heechul kicked the chair that deposited by Jongwoon so the singer was going to face him, like it or not. For a full minute, maybe two, Heechul stared at the sensational star. “I don’t give a damn about your reasons alright, but you’d better tell me what the hell is wrong with you.”

_Nothing is wrong with me._

     “Nothing,” Jongwoon swirled his chair back to face the mirror.

     “No, something is wrong.”

     “Then you guess it.”

     “Damn it, Jongwoon! You get to see Ryeowook yesterday, leaving him on unfamiliar street, and then you’re grumbling here in my salon because you think you’re pissed at him for waking up now? The fuck is wrong with you?”

     Jongwoon stared at Heechul through the mirror. “Am I supposed to hug him because he finally has waking up from that deep and peaceful sleep? I’m supposed to congratulate him?”

     “Yes, because we both know you’ve been missing out of doing that to him like the hell you aren’t!”

     Jongwoon’s stare heated up as he continued glaring defiantly at Heechul, feeling all his angry bubbles were seething, seeping out right through his skin, red and burning. He stood to his feet slowly, struggling to maintain his gaze.

     “I hate him because I love him,” said Jongwoon.

      _I hate him because I love him still._

     “There, satisfied?”

 

     For a successful debut of four week promotions, Jongwoon’s manager insisted in buying him a dinner and treating his stylist and other staffs that had worked hard for the album. Jongwoon never thought coincidence was a work of fate but the moment he saw his other roommate standing behind said counter, attending to customers’ order, he knew fate was always out to get him.

     Jongwoon trudged past the queue line, searching for a table to sit down; barely missing out how Donghae had already saw him. Watching behind his table, Jongwoon saw his manager having a little nice chat with Donghae and watching still when Donghae waved his hand to acknowledge him. Jongwoon gave no reaction whatsoever.

     Jongwoon had a thought of not wanting to see someone he knew when he started to be involved in the entertainment business, but then Heechul came in, and then Ryeowook and the current one now was Donghae. If he was born to be ingenious, probably Zhoumi or Sungmin would suddenly pop out in front of his apartment any minute now.

     “Keep me busy for the rest of the year, please.” Jongwoon started as soon as his manager, Daniel, had a seat across from him.

     The manager just arched one of his eyebrows at the rookie singer, but didn’t say anything else so to not add the fuel into the fire. He was incredibly astounded to know Jongwoon had met so many of his acquaintances yet not wanting to associate with them any longer.

     Jongwoon had befriended with all the trainees back when he was a trainee, and he was surprisingly very friendly and easygoing. Though sometimes, Daniel could see that Jongwoon was a guy with many crackling emotions inside of him. Jongwoon was a face of calm and composed and many didn’t see the struggle he had kept and locked inside his chest. He was companionable, yet reserved; and Daniel couldn’t understand that.

     “I’m not asking you much, kid. Don’t ever pretend to be someone you’re not.”

 

     The first week, Kyuhyun was arranged to record a song with Jongwoon, which the former had found out that he had met him before. Jongwoon simply shrugged, smiling lightly and didn’t bother to clarify the subject.

     “I hope you’re haven’t found out that I’m such a hassle,” said Jongwoon.

     “I’m honored actually to be working with such talented voice like yours,” replied Kyuhyun, a renowned soloist for over a decade.

     They had such a pleasant time together as they spent the day throughout. Jongwoon was thoroughly in shocked when the experienced singer suddenly opened up about him dating someone in the same industry, though that significant other was based in China.

     “We’re planning to get married next year,” said Kyuhyun, smiling softly. “It’s going to be private though. He wants it to be private.”

     Jongwoon wasn’t sure which fact had him reeling more: Kyuhyun who was a mere stranger three hours prior had told him about his love life or that the singer admitted of him planning to marry someone of the same gender.

     “We’ll send our cards to your home,” added Kyuhyun.

 

     Second and third week had Jongwoon travelled to many places all over South Korea, for pictorials of his photo book, and also for the travel book he would be produced later on in that same year. It was terribly exhausting to travel one location to another, but Jongwoon had always welcomed the overcrowded schedule plan because anyone or anything else wasn’t supposed to sidetrack him.

     “You guys tired, aren’t you?” Jongwoon asked his stylists, a woman in his mid-twenties and another one who was a year older than him.

     “Of course, we are.” The one older than him answered.

     “But you’re quite happy to be in such windy weather, travelling along. That’s enough I guess.” The other stylist stated.

     “Thanks,” said Jongwoon, beaming, appreciating their honesty.

 

     A duet song between Kyuhyun and Jongwoon was released digitally in week four, and had both the legendary singer’s and Jongwoon’s fans cried at the nostalgic and sentimental masterpiece. Jongwoon was overjoyed with those positive reactions and feedbacks that had coming from the public, grinning ear to ear for the whole week.

     However, that same week was also a start of something else, too.

     Ryeowook started to send notes to him – writing anything – sometimes it was just a simple greeting and other times the words reached over the half page of the letter. Jongwoon never open to read them. He just knew it was from Ryeowook because it was delivered straight to his apartment through the mailbox and Ryeowook’s cute signature was all over the envelopes.

     Jongwoon hadn’t meant to tell Heechul about anything at all, about how Kyuhyun and he were some kind of close friend now and how he thought he could have developed this stupid and puppy crush towards a female celebrity he had been paired up in one variety show couple weeks back. He had them slipped anyway, but he realized he had told Heechul about Ryeowook’s abundant letters, too.

     Heechul can’t even formulate a sentence to begin with and he stared at Jongwoon in shocked.

     “What?” Jongwoon said, laughing lightly at the scandalized look on Heechul’s features.

     “I don’t know,” said Heechul, his eyes held a tinge of amusement, twinkling. “It seems like you’ve gotten past your unreasonable excuses on him.”

     Jongwoon shrugged, shifting in his seat slightly, waiting for Heechul to stop eyeing him like a hungry hawk and just start styling his hair already.

 

     Daniel notified Jongwoon earlier week six of Jongwoon getting a letter, which had coming from him instead delivered to his agency or directed straight to Jongwoon. Jongwoon was confused but he didn’t say anything until his manager pulled the familiar envelope out from his bag. Jongwoon’s eyes widened, in an instant.

     “Where did you get that?” Jongwoon hadn’t thought he raised his voice or anything, but the look on his manager’s face was undeniably startled for Jongwoon was using unusual tone at him.

     “Why?” Daniel attempted, gripping the letter tight and holding it away from Jongwoon. “I’ve seen many of them littering around at one corner of your room and I thought I could just throw it away. One less rubbish to throw.”

     “They’re not rubbish!”

     “Really? I wonder what it is. Wanna see whether it’s not a junk?”

     “That’s none of your bloody business,” screamed Jongwoon, snatching the thin envelope from his manager. It tore in half due to the hard tug and pull between the two men. “Shit,” cursed Jongwoon.

     Daniel smiled in triumph, satisfied to see Jongwoon cracked under his tight mask façade. “I’ve told you. You aren’t supposed to pretend to be someone you’re not.”

 

     Jongwoon had lost count of Ryeowook’s letters by the end of week eight. Too engrossed with his casting role of weekend drama, he hadn’t given a damn to Heechul, who had come to his house for luncheon. Either he bothered if Heechul was to invade his room privacy and read every letters that were all from Ryeowook. He was too drained to yell or scream and shove the hairdresser out of his apartment.

     Jongwoon once thought on how he wasn’t supposed to rely on his roommate of his university days’ but here Heechul now, taking care of him like he was just a baby, fresh from his mother’s womb. He hadn’t known how Heechul magically appeared to be his fairy godfather because he had hated the male with all his being the first time he had met him. He wasn’t even sure how he ever did survive when he lived with him once.

     “Jongwoon,” called Heechul, peering out at the singer, the letter was right under his nose. Heechul was waiting for the singer to look at him.

     Initially, Jongwoon refused to respond, wanting to delay whatever Heechul had wanted to tell him. But persistent Heechul was too bull-headed and Jongwoon had to shout in his annoyance to shut the hell up of the other.

     “What’s the fucking big deal?”

     “Whoa, that’s more like you.” Heechul stood and flung one particular letter rather harshly to Jongwoon, who was lazed around on his bed, thinking he had all time in the world.

     Refusing to take a look at Ryeowook’s neat hand writing, Jongwoon stared up at Heechul instead.

     “Fine,” said Heechul, reaching for the letter and read it. He had to take a minute as he schooled himself to speak calmly. “I hope you’re doing well and I’m-“

     Jongwoon seized the letter. “Get out.”

     Heechul patted his friend by his shoulder, squeezing lightly before exiting himself out of Jongwoon’s bedroom. While Jongwoon had to crouch down and drop the letter to the floor, as if it scalded his skin. Jongwoon had to take several deep breaths before his eyes slowly travelling and taking in Ryeowook’s written thoughts.

     The first trial, Jongwoon skimmed through the letter rather fast as he held his breathe. When he repeated the same act twice, he realized he hadn’t understood what those words that was on the letter. Jongwoon had to calm his frenzied nerves before reading it again, slow and snail-paced.

      _Jongwoon, I’m sorry._

_I hope you’re doing well and I’m sorry. I hadn’t had any idea why you refuse to see me or talk to me, and I am sorry for that. I haven’t had the faintest idea why you aren’t reading any of my letters either. I wish you read them._

_I wanted to know, badly, why you seemed so frightened to see me. I want to know what is wrong with me that you seemed to hate me. I want to know what is wrong with us._

_Please, would you just show me or something?_

 

     Daniel had dropped Jongwoon at Donghae’s taco restaurant late at night of the week nine. “I wish I could be more of a help.”

     Jongwoon let out a small smile, “It is fine, thanks.”

     Jongwoon had thought the whole week of reaching Donghae and decided to spend days with his no.2 roommate just after he had finished recording another track of him and several idols of female group of the same agency as his. It was absurd, but his manager was happy to let him off hook for maybe Jongwoon was worse for wear right now.

     In these entertainment show business, Jongwoon couldn’t tell himself apart if he was one with many friends though Daniel was always amused with how many acquaintances he seemed to have. He had pondered on the day his was schedule-free on why his manager wondered of him such a way, but he simply found nothing relevant to match his manager’s reasoning.

     Jongwoon rose to work early like everybody else, only to return midnight or sometimes later than that. He had huge chunk of works to do and he loved doing it. He loved it even more if everyone around him was familiar faces, like how the producer of his current drama was also the one who assisted his first debut music video. The female celebrity he thought to be his crush was also involved in the same drama filming with him, too.

     Perhaps that triggered Jongwoon to ask Donghae as he saw the other man was cozying behind a table near the window, a cup of coffee steaming hot in front of him. “Why is it Daniel kind of surprised to see me talking with so many people?”

     “Huh?” Donghae lifted his head.

     “Daniel thinks I have tons of friends, and he is very surprised. Why is that?”

     “Am I supposed to know?”

     Jongwoon sat across from his friend, “Thought maybe you know.”

     “I don’t doubt you have like, several dozens of people that are out of your singing and acting area since you’ve been in the business. You’ve always been that approachable though you’re not actually.”

     “What’s that supposed to mean?”

     Donghae shrugged. “It’s not like everyone worth to know about your deepest secrets. You’re very selective.”

 

     Week ten had passed in blur and Jongwoon had resolved to put down everything that had his heart lurched and swayed in the stormy sea by making a call to Ryeowook. Both Heechul and Donghae were with him, in the second floor of Donghae’s restaurant. They had gathered there early in the morning and those two friends were currently bickering with each other behind his back as he stood against the window, overlooking through the glass pane.

     “Hey-“

     “Jongwoon, just wait a sec-“

     Jongwoon spun around to see Heechul and Donghae were looking at him; their faces were funny and comical. Each one of them had excitement coursing through their features and Jongwoon would have laughed right then and there if Ryeowook hadn’t come back up at the end of the line.

     “Sorry, I’ve got patients to look after. But I’m free now.”

     Jongwoon blinked. “Oh, you’re free to talk?”

     “Yes, of course. I can hold them up for you.”

     “… Thanks. What are you doing?” Jongwoon realized belatedly of him asking a very stupid question. That he was actually relieved to hear Ryeowook’s bell-like laughter after such a long time.

     “I’m out of the hospital in an hour, maybe we can meet then, hopefully?”

     “Sure, I’m at Donghae’s famous taco house.”

     “Great, thanks for the call.”

     Jongwoon was left dumbfounded because how fast and blurred he felt once Ryeowook had ended their phone conversation. It wasn’t resentment because Ryeowook was always the one ended the call urgently unless the other male called him first. It was more how he could feel the pieces were finally fitted right at its own slot, completing the puzzle.

     “Time for romance, woo-hoo,” screamed Donghae and Heechul loudly, pulling Jongwoon out from his reverie.

 

     If Jongwoon ever felt hungry for not being able to know what other people was up to, especially now that he was in the music scene, where everything was moving rapidly, he shall not trouble himself much. He was too busy in taking care of his own business to mind others’. One miniscule minute could have changed the plan of making his next album that was supposed to be released in three weeks time to a week earlier to cover other scandalized rumor of his agency.

     That had resulted of him to do double work, or triple, if he was million steps behind and hundreds far from done. Despite that, Jongwoon managed to come out first in music programs straight for three weeks. He sincerely thanked everyone that had shared the pain with him, his parents and fans, and everyone else that had mattered.

     “You know how everyone had secrets but no one knew about the whole lot of it,” Jongwoon said to his manager as they stopped at red light, “you are officially a part of it now. I have many friends but not all had to know what I’ve been through, or how I truly felt about certain things.”

     Daniel cut up a glance at Jongwoon, who was on the passenger side. “And…”

     “I want you to know that I’ve always been attracted to Ryeowook, no matter time and place. It’s hard to tell you this but I think I’m losing my ground.”

     “Have you talked to Heechul yet?”

     “He’ll know eventually. But until then, I wanna know what you’re gonna say about it.”

     The light had turned to green, and Daniel shifted the gearstick. “Tell him, simply. You have waited for him your whole life, aren’t you?”

     “Will it be that easy?”

     “I don’t know. You’ve gotta try.”

 

     Ryeowook delivered a letter face-to-face that day when Jongwoon had asked of the former for a dinner. Jongwoon’s nerves were caught in frenzy as he extended his hand for the letter. His hands shook as he opened the letter and straightened it.

 

_This is anything short to compared on how you’ve been with me during those days of my hospital stay and that maybe I should have given you out more in return. But, I don’t think moon or stars are enough for you, or I never thought if fame is all you wanted. Money aren’t either, I’m sure._

 

     “Ryeowook,” began Jongwoon, searching for anything that might scream ridiculous from the other man, who had sat across from him throughout the meal courses. Jongwoon hoped this was not some sick jokes.

     “Yes?” Ryeowook’s eyes glistened in the dim light of the restaurant.

     “Have you had any idea what I’m doing when I stayed with you while you’re slipping yourself into unconsciousness?”

     “You talked to me.” Ryeowook smiled softly.

     “Did you know what they were all about?”

     Ryeowook nodded. “You told me about yourself, narrated many things to me.”

     “Did you understand what they were all about?”

     Ryeowook nodded again, a tear stained down his cheek. “My mother had help from the nurse that had treated me. She accidentally heard you talking to me. The nurse said that other times you just sat down in front of my room for quite a long time.” More hot tears streamed down Ryeowook’s face. “I’m sorry, Jongwoon. I truly am.”

      _No, don’t apologize._

     Jongwoon wanted to say that, but his word failed him. His face was wet, a wrenching seizing his chest, twisting and pulling at every direction possible. It wasn’t the sadness, Jongwoon claimed that to himself, but he couldn’t stop his tears tracking down his face. Instead, he raised his hand to the table, reaching for Ryeowook’s halfway.

     Jongwoon had begun to believe that Ryeowook wouldn’t know a thing Jongwoon had been rambling about during those tedious days, wouldn’t ever considered if perhaps Ryeowook the coma patient would be able to hear his heart contents. He had stop believing that people in such state would be able to hear his pleading when it took so many months for Ryeowook to wake up.

     Stroking gently Ryeowook’s beautiful digits, Jongwoon forced himself to calm down though it took five minutes, or six, to get a word out. “Have you heard me asking you to stay with me till then end?”

     “You can ask that again.” Ryeowook smiled through his tears, which obviously wouldn’t stop anytime soon.

     “Will you stay with me till the end?” Jongwoon breathed out, whispering.

     Ryeowook nodded, smiling even bigger and tears continued gushing down his face. “I will, I am.”

     Jongwoon never comprehended why he became secretive, wondering since when he had turned up to be such a private person. Always be friendly if new people was about to train in his agency, the last one to be bidding goodbyes and praising them for the good works as he wrapped his schedule for the day. He hadn’t known himself as someone that kept his life out of everybody else’s business if not for how Heechul, Donghae and his manager randomly threw comments at him.

     Jongwoon was actually afraid if he might be secretive when he was with Ryeowook, but the other man had always been able to read him like he was a book. And the best part was that Ryeowook would never push him or pressure him until he felt ready to seek out the other’s presence. It was nice, knowing Ryeowook would be there for him.

     “Thank you for waiting, I guess.” Jongwoon said after a long moment, once they had calmed themselves down.

     Ryeowook simply smiled and Jongwoon was dazed at how beautiful Ryeowook’s smile was, returning the gesture sincerely. Perhaps things hadn’t turned out that bad.

 


End file.
